One year Later

     Saturday, Feb 17 hit the "One Year" mark since we sat in that cold, scary ER room and heard the devastating news that Jay had a mass, that was probably cancerous...the next few days seemed to drag on, and for some strange reason, I've relived them on their own one year mark this week.   Part of me has had to take the time to grieve, yet again, that we lost the ignorance of feeling invincible in our twenties, grieving the false sense of "good health" and grieving the timeline in which we had set for some of our biggest dreams coming true.  I remember laying on the couch one year ago, tears stinging my eyes, as I laid next to my husband not knowing if He would be on this earth 6 months, or a year from that moment.  I held our babies, I cried, and for the first time in my adult life, I surrendered my plans and accepted that I do not control the outcome of my next moment in this world.
     Jay's cancer diagnosis has been both the worst and best thing to have happened to our family.  We have learned so much about ourselves, our faith, our health.  We've taken the time to step back and be better parents, better partners, and better friends.  We've found out who our Village is, we made new friends, and we learned how to gracefully walk away from relationships that are not nourishing our souls.  This year has been a whirlwind of emotions, but I really have chosen to think of it as a year of triumph, and victory.  I am so proud of how much we have grown and changed. I'm glad of the chances we've taken and how much we've learned to just live in the moment.
      While I could sit and hate today,  it feels really good to know my sweet husband will be calling me on the phone soon to tell me goodnight.  We have a beautiful one year old baby girl, and two of the most handsome and kind little boys anyone could ever ask for.  I feel like over the next 4 months, there will be lots of thoughts and memories of Chemo, and the bad days we shared only between each other, but come June 2, the celebration of having one year of clean scans will be like celebrating a new "birthday" for Jay.  I'm so thankful everyday God blessed me with that lanky 15 year old boy 15 years ago, and I'm thankful for the journey we have shared together.  I could not have asked for a better best friend through the heartaches of my high school days, to being his caregiver through what I'm sure is the scariest journey of his life.  I would do it all over again if I had to, but I pray everyday that the next 70 years of our lives are full of health, happiness, and new adventures.  

The Waiting

     I talked a little bit about the anxiety that scan week brings on in my last post.  Today is results day.  We’ve already met with Jay’s urologist and he’s a really amazing practitioner, and he always gives us hope.  Today we meet with his wonderful Oncologist and this is always the hardest appointment of this mess.  We hope and pray that it’s going to be all smooth sailing.   After his scans we usually spend the weekend doing fun things to take our minds off of the stress, but by Monday, it’s an emotional hangover of avoiding the inevitable. We DO still have to know what the results of every scan and lab test are. We still have to spend the entire day trying to keep our stomachs from churning.    It’s a somber day in our house regardless of what we try to do to keep our minds off of everything.
    I have such a strong love-hate relationship with the oncologists office. I’m so thankful that these people literally saved my husbands life.  That these nurses loved on us while we missed our babies and Jay had lifesaving “poison” pumped through his veins for 8 hours a day while I idly sat by, wringing my hands, picking at my cuticles, keeping tabs on the nurses, trying to force feed Jay, and having to control my desperate need to scream and cry.  I still fight back tears when we walk through the door.  I sadly smile at people hoping they got the news they wanted to hear.   I usually can’t talk to Jay or look at him.   It’s all this total rush of emotional distress.   All these people dealing with the exact same emotions, and yet; we all sit calmly by, pretending to not be churning stomachs and racing hearts.
     The waiting is the worst.   You wait for the Day to arrive, and then the appointment time. You wait for the call back to the room, and then you wait for the doctor to come in.   You hang on every. Single. Word. He says.  Waiting - on some kind of indicative word as to what the results say. Y’all the anticipation is so thick that you feel like you might drown in it. But you sit and pretend that you’re calm and collected. That’s what’s required.  That’s what’s acceptable.  We’re waiting now, just like you are.

The waiting finally came to an end and all is well in the world again. Even if for just a minute.  We’ll breathe a sigh of relief for the next two months and three weeks.  Until the next scan week comes knocking on our door and the demon of worry raises it’s snarling face into ours for what seems like an eternity.



Thank you for all your prayers and well wishes.

Scan Week (Ooh ah ah)

         It's scan week in the Moore household again. Every time this week comes around I tell myself that it's going to be better, easier, that I'm not going to panic, I'm not going to let the anxiety creep in, I'm not going to worry. Yet, here I am, stressed out, sick to my stomach, can't eat, can't sleep, and very short fused.  A lot of survivors and caregivers have told me that you never really get over the "scanxiety", but I feel like some people do.  Jay doesn't seem to worry about it anymore, or maybe he's really really good at playing it off as being calm, cool, and collected. But if you've known us for long, you know thats basically the gist of who we are.  Even my meditations are short and interrupted by panic during this week.  I feel like the world is spinning 100 miles a minute and I'm standing completely still.  It's such a bittersweet week though, when you get good results it's like climbing Mt. Everest.  You accomplished something so big and intimidating, but getting there is absolutely grueling. I always want to celebrate and shout from the mountain tops, and but usually I just feel extremely relieved, and very tired.

     I can't speak for everyone's surveillance regimens, but Jay's is as follows; Labs, CT, Urologist (way less frequently than the rest of these appointments), and Oncologist.  Labs and CT are usually one day apart, and then we have to wait at least two days for the results.  Those two days are the worst.  They take me back to just three and half weeks shy of a year ago, when we sat around and wondered for days what was going to happen.  That was one of the heaviest weeks of my whole life, and an inkling of the fear and nauseating impatience creep in every time Jay has a check up.  Life has continued on as "normal" as we could have hoped at this point, but there is some serious aftershock that hasn't gone away.

     Honestly, I think the aftershock has been more confusing than I realized.   When we were going through the life surrounding treatments, and appointments, it was like walking through a dark forest; just reminding myself that every step forward was a step closer to getting out.  Life isn't like that now.  It's like running out of the forrest only to realize as much as you try to run,  it's always in the back of your mind. I remember how often people told us it would all be over soon, and we could go back to "normal" but i've said it once, and I'll say it 100x, a cancer survivor and their family's new normal, isn't very normal at all, and navigating that is super difficult because it's very foreign.

      I don't tell you my heart and fears on this to stir sympathy, but to give you an insight as to what the reality of our hopes and fears are now.  I hope that it gives someone else in this situation some hope, and maybe some belonging.  It's ok to be vulnerable during this tough time, you really don't have to act like you have it all together.  It's ok to tell people you're scared, and its ok to feel every emotion you need to feel to get through the day.  Just don't give up, keep going, keep living through this life, and keep finding joy and small victories.  Miracles happen everyday, and each clear scan is a miracle all on its own.

Until Next Time
Peace, Love, and Insight  
-Kayla

New Year- “Less” Me.

It’s New Year’s Eve, so I’m sure your newsfeed is FULL of posts about Resolutions; making them, making fun of them, or complaining about the people making them.  Either way, they’re there. I’ve been writing this post in my head for weeks. I LOVE Resolutions- maybe because I love goals, love change, love growth? Maybe just because I’m weird.  Both are highly possible.  But yes, this is a post about Resolutions.   I wish everyone made one or two, not necessarily to lose the extra weight, or to go to church more, but to challenge themselves in some way.
    If you know me in real life, you know I often take on too much.   I often say more “yes” than “no”.   I will volunteer, sign up, buy tickets to go, and then realize it’s too much, not enough joy, too much stress, and I just don’t want to go anymore.  This year I’m challenging myself, and I hope it will inspire other do-it-all’s like me to do less.  But, I won’t just be doing less, I’m going to resort to consuming less, buying less, taking less, hiding less. I just want less of so much right now.

  Less 
Commitment to things that don’t bring me true joy
Less shopping, buying, spending
Less clutter, less stuff, less waste 
Less sugar, less junk, less poison
Less distraction, less frivolous use of my time 
Less procrastinating
Less waiting for life 
Less planning 
Less chasing after bigger, better, faster material things

Because I truly believe that all the less, is going to give me more of what I really want.  

More
Joy
Peace
Love
Quiet
Growth
Confidence
Wholeness
Health 
Patience
Kindness
Quality time with my children, my friends, my darling husband
Celebrations 
 Huge, kisses 
Coffee, tea, and conversations 
Spontaneity
Allowing miracles or work for me
Grace 

Sure, some of my resolutions to “less” sound a lot like “more” - and not everyone’s columns will look the same, but how many of us, especially as Mom’s, can’t say we don’t need “more Less” in our lives?   Just figure out what’s keeping you from living your best life and do less of it, chase after your “more” because I will be completely honest with you when I tell you “more” is what saved me this year. 

Happy New Year, my friends.  

Love, Light, and Less,

- Kayla 

Here's to twenty-eight

I know I haven't blogged much lately, but I promise that is all about to change.  I hate that I don't dedicate enough time to something I truly love, life is too short to not spend enough time doing what you love.  I turned 28 Friday, seems so insignificant, yet, makes thirty seem like it's creeping up on me extremely quickly.  I have a lot of things I want to accomplish by 30, so I think now is as good a time as any to start trying to get my life together.   27 was an extremely hard year for me, and I'm ready to start a new year full of promise, life, and new goals.  So here's to making 28, great- with 28 things I hope to accomplish.


1. Do something I love every single day
2. Blog, at least once a week
3. lose 30lbs by January 1
4. Purge my house of everything that does not spark Joy
5. make and complete daily "to do" lists
6. take a chance
7. show up more
8. be real-
9. Show Love to those that need it the most- and those that show it the least
10. Forgive
11. Move on
12. Set a new goal every month
13. Play with my kids more
14. read a book every month
15. try 3 new activities
16. Learn about two new subjects
17.  Find a passion, and pursue it
18. take care of myself
19. fish more
20. stress less
21. save more
22. spend less
23. be confident
24. grow spiritually
25. create new relationships
26. be more graceful
27. spend more time outside
28. exercise more

I can't wait to look back a year from now and see where I'm at.  To see where I've grown and where I've failed.  Be prepared for more interesting blog posts from here out.


Until Then-
Peace, Love, and Twenty-Eight

When You Forget

This last week was full of ridiculous amounts of appointments, planning, and anxiety for Jay and myself.  We spent Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday in the Doctor's offices.   I had to get Jay to PET scans, oncology appointments, urology appointments, Lab draws, and Chemo Education meetings.   It seems as if most days I'm just walking in a fog.  That if I look too far forward, or anywhere other than directly in front of me, I start to lose sight of what is important in the here and now.  I've come to a lot of conclusions this week about the lifestyle of a caregiver.   About how immensely draining it is (and we're not even in the thick of it yet, so I'm completely aware that I have no clue how drained I'm about to be).  I've come to realize how deeply some of the things we're facing are going to effect Jay, Me,the kids, and our families; and then life gets busy and all of a sudden, a few hours have passed and I haven't thought about Jay's cancer once.  And I'm glad I wasn't obsessing over it for a little while, but I'm sad because it's the reminder that this is the new reality for our family.  This is the new "normal" and it's really not "normal" at all. I find myself trying to escape reality.  To get so wrapped up in anything that's going to make me forget for a while.  I crave company being at our house, I find myself looking for ways to help someone else in a tough time. I find myself wanting to host friends and family over every second of every day just so I can force myself to put on a happy face and forget.          Luckily, we had some pretty special new friends come to visit this weekend.  My house was filled with laughter, kids, friends, family and fun.  My heart was so full.   We went finishing, we are together, we laughed together, we talked about some of the hard stuff we're both facing, and we got a dose of "normal".  "Normal is absolutely intoxicating right now.  I take every ounce of it in, and when it's all over, I feel like I've found a new low.  In that new low is where I find myself sleeping less, fighting back the tears more, secluding myself more.  Being a caregiver sometimes feels like you're expected to carry the weight of the world on your own. Like the person who's been sharing your load of life with you is no longer able, so you have to pick up the slack, and pretend like you're doing it with ease.  Maybe that's just the -pressure I put on myself.   I don't want to be upset in front of Jay or the kids or our families. I've always been the kind of woman that tries to appear as a steel wall when things start to go haywire.  At the same time, I take on this new roll with a lot of pride and dedication.  I'm a nurse by calling, and now, I'm taking care of my most important patient. A patient I vowed to love in sickness, and in health, and although it's not always easy, it's definitely one of the most important jobs I'll ever take on.       This morning, the first day of chemo means there's no more forgetting for a while.  We are headed straight into the thick of this fight, and we're doing it full speed ahead.  Jay and I haven't had much to say to each other in the last 24 hours.  It's just a peaceful understanding that we both need silent affection, and sometimes our own space.  That's one of my favorite things about our relationship.  Sometimes we just fall on the same wavelength.  

Things We Wish You Knew

Jay and I are both pretty transparent by nature.  We're pretty honest and upfront with people about the way we feel, or the way we think, or just about situations in general.  We're not the kind of people to fall in to obligatory explanations about things. If we don't wanna talk about it, we'll tell you. Over the last few weeks we've both done a lot of soul searching on how this situation makes us feel. We come to the realization that the things people think would bother us, don't.  Last night as we laid in bed we talked about the things we wished people knew about the life of a family with a loved one fighting cancer.  I figured I would share the few things I felt were most important to us at this point.        Don't be afraid to call              We've had a lot of people mention that they didn't wanna bother us with phone calls, text messages, or coming by.  That they felt like they were bothering us...let me just stop you right there.   Jay and I (especially Jay) live for being surrounded by our friends and family.  We enjoy hosting people in our albeit tiny, home.  Jay appreciates, beyond compare the camaraderie felt when he's surrounded by people that care.   He definitely feels the love and support from everyone that has left Facebook comments, texts, voicemails etc.  in times like this.  No one wants to feel alone.   We really don't care if you're super close to us, acquaintances, or people from our past. Not a single caring thought or word has gone unappreciated in our house.      We're not afraid to talk about it         I often have people corner me away from Jay to ask me how things are going. They're embarrassed to ask about the situation in front of him. The conversation, I admit it is awkward.  Who really wants to talk about testicles.  Sick testicles. Surgically removed testicles.  But, testicular cancer is no more awkward to talk about than breast cancer, skin cancer, colon cancer or any other cancer.  If you want to ask, do!  If we don't wanna tell you every detail you're asking about, we won't. But I can guarantee, we aren't easily offended, especially not about this.     Don't get Down               Jay definitely isn't the type of person to let anything get him down.  He's an optimist. I'm a realist, and seeing as where the medical field is where I make my living, I have a hard time only thinking about the positive.  Jay constantly reminds me to just be positive about the whole situation. To believe that treatments aren't going to be too terrible for him. The positivity everyone has shared with us has changed the air for us. It's helped us nurture our hope.   We're REALLY bad about not asking for help       A lot of people have asked how they can help, besides not knowing WHAT we need right now, Jay and I are terribly proud people.  We would chew our own arms off before we asked for help.  It's not a great characteristic to have, but we own it.  The help that has been offered to us has been so greatly appreciated.  Don't think because we haven't asked for help, that we're against receiving it, we just struggle with asking.  This entire situation has been extremely humbling for both of us.  We're both used to being able to help other people out. To be supportive in everyone else's time of need so we're learning to walk before we run when it comes to being on the other side of things.          We really can't make plans        When we were leaving the ER the Friday night that they found Jay's mass, he asked me about cancelling a trip we had just booked to Mexico, sans kids, to watch one of his best friends get married.  I immediately lost it.  These might have been the first words we spoke after they told us what they found, or maybe it's the first thing that I was aware enough to hear, either way it was enough to shake me up. I immediately started bawling/yelling at jay to NOT talk to me about anything past Monday morning because my mind couldn't process anything beyond that part of our future.  What do you do in that situation?! Cancel the trip because of skyrocketing medical bills and the uncertainty of possibly not being able to make it, or hold onto the hope that you're both going to be able to enjoy that trip and make precious memories with people that mean so much to you. (PS, we still aren't sure what the right answer is to that question). Anyone that knows me, knows I plan my life months, hell, even years in advance.  Anyone that knows Jay, knows he doesn't plan for anything.  We are learning to balance each other out right now.  Making a decision on how to RSVP to weddings next month makes me crazy, because I don't know how he'll react to chemo, or when I'll be able to work in order to get him to his chemo appointments and take care of him and the kids and juggle normal life. I hate telling people we'll be somewhere if we can't.  My planner is covered in appointments for our family, with Jay needing to be at the doctor or the chemo clinic anywhere from 1-5 days a week.  If we can't give you an answer on our attendance to functions, just know we're trying. That we're facing the harsh reality of major uncertainty in every second of our daily lives. Though we seem to have it together most days, that's not always the case      I know that everyone doubts that Jay ever has a weak or vulnerable moment, trust me I don't believe it myself most of the time, but he's not always that way.  I guess that's the bittersweet part of all of this, even in this mess we share some completely intimate moments between ourselves that no one else gets to be a part of.  I on the other hand cry almost anytime someone speaks to me.   Don't take it personally, don't avoid me because of it, it's normal- at least for me.  I'm a crier. I cried when his friends packed our house with groceries, I cried when we were in the ER.   I cried when they took him back to surgery.  I cry because we're driving the boys to school and there's a song on the radio that even remotely speaks to me.   We stand in the hallways and talk to people at school with all the confidence in the world.  We hug our friends at church with smiles on our faces and assuredly talk about the treatment plan and our timeline. Don't get me wrong, we're hopeful, and we're faithful, but to say that we aren't EVER fearful would be a total lie.    Do we know our God has his hand on us? yes.  Do we know he has plans for our family? Yes.  Do we know what that plan is? No.  And that's the scary thing.  God uses all situations for his glory, even ones that don't turn out the way WE want, and yes he brings good from all suffering, but we're only human, and sometimes the fear is still there.  But it's not there without prayerful faith.     It seems as if in just a short time, everything has changed for us, and in a sense, it has.  I'm sure in 6 months, so much more will have changed, and will continue to change for years to come. We may not ever feel this way again about this situation, but maybe someone else will, and maybe they'll need the reminder that it's ok to not have all the answers or the "right" attitude about it all the time.  No matter what happens, we'll look back on these first few weeks with bittersweet memories.  Memories that we overcame the situation dealt to us, that we came our better, stronger, and more compassionate.

The Diagnosis: The "C" Word

.   What a whirlwind.   A week go, this very moment I was sitting in urgent care with Jay- my husband- waiting on the doc to come in and tell us he had an inguinal hernia and that he'd be out of work for 2-3 weeks.   I was mad at him for over-exerting himself at work, for not asking for help to prevent the injury.  I was exhausted, holding our beautiful 3 week old baby girl, but I was grumpy, annoyed and I was inconvenienced that our boys were with my parents, probably driving them crazy, and being a handful.   The doctor came in, and sent us to the ER- Jay needed an ultrasound, immediately and it was 9pm on a Friday night, where else was he going to get one?   We got the the ER, we were just ready to get answers, preferably answers that it was just an injury  and not a hernia and that we were going to be able to resume our normal life soon.  The staff got Jay's orders processed quickly.  They came in to do the ultrasound and they brought for him back to Maggie and I. Still no real worry behind the possibility of him being out of work for a couple of weeks.  Then, I saw the look of our ER doc's face and I knew something wasn't right.  A solemn, tall women whom I've known in the work place to be relatively easy going, was no longer cheerful.  She Started explaining to us that they found a mass, a 4cm x4cm mass, and my heart broke.   Being a Nurse means seeing past a lot of the layman terms, the basic blanketed statements of what it might be.  You expect the worst, you hope for the best.  A mass, in a 29 year old male, is the worst you expect.  She explained that she had already contacted the urologist on call and that he wanted to see Jay first thing Monday morning. She explained to us that this appointment was important, it should not be taken lightly and that he NEEDED to make sure he was present at the appointment.  The worst.   She had just kept adding to the worst I was expecting.  This was the first time I lost it.  I held my sweet Maggie and dreaded hearing another word from that doctor.  From any doctor.  I wept and I was angry, and I just wanted to go get my boys and hug them and go to sleep. I wanted to rewind my life and go back to the 12 hours prior. When jay and I were eating nachos in the kitchen, preparing to go snuggle up and go to sleep.

    The entire weekend was a mess.  I cried non-stop.  Couldn't sleep.  Was on edge with a jay, and the boys, and I couldn't eat. Jay was trying to stay positive, and I was just trying to stay sane.   Monday morning my sister stayed with the boys while Jay and I tried our best to get out of the house while trying to look like we had our lives together.  The urologist sat us down, and told us exactly what I had expected.  There was in fact a mass, one that needed to be removed immediately, and the chances of it being cancerous were extremely high.   My face must have gone white, because as soon as he said that dreaded "C" word, he paused to remind me that I needed to hear him out instead of shutting down at the mention of the word "Cancer".  I kindly explained to him that I was a nurse, I expected this much, but that it was the first time anyone had really said it out loud to me.  We scheduled the surgery, and then he asked us which Oncologist we would choose out of the two available to us.   I, being the control freak I am, immediately answered for a Jay.  I wanted him to have the best.  I was going to be in charge of building the best medical team I could for my best friend.  The father of my children, my husband, he deserved the best.  We spent the rest of the afternoon at the clinic. Jay got labs drawn, a CT, and a chest x-ray.  I sat and waited, and tried to keep our families in the loop, and tried to hold it all together.

     We spent the rest of the day preparing for Jay's surgery.  The boys went to my mom's,  Jay went to be relatively early, and I stress cleaned the house with the help of my best friend and a half a bottle of wine to prepare for the company I was cautiously expecting.   Even when your life is falling apart, you have to be a good hostess.  We were up at 3:45 that morning and ready for the surgery.  A total left orichectomy.  The nurse in me worried about body image issues, the effects of anesthesia, and a million other things.  Jay, was just ready to have a reduction in the pain he'd been in all weekend.   We got checked in, situated for the procedure and the waiting game started. Luckily we were in good company.  Jay's mom and dad, aunt and uncle, Grandma, and two of his friends from work were there with us.  We all prayed with some of his surgery staff before his procedure and then I stood there in tears as they rolled my entire life out the door to surgery.  Luckily having lots of company helped me not over stress during the procedure.  His surgeon finally came in to talk to me and updated me the best he could.  They sent the mass to pathology, we would know something by the end of the week, possible lymph node involvement.  Cancer.  Once we got him back from surgery, they got us our discharge papers.  I got him home, and Jacob and John went and grabbed us lunch.  I have never been so thankful for Jay's friends being in my house.  The comic relief, the reminder that I needed to eat, the distraction of being a good hostesss, and to top it all off they filled our house with groceries. To say I was in tears with humility and thankfulness is an understatement. When everyone left that day, my heart broke again. The worst.  I was back to expecting the worst, hoping for the best.  The rest of the week was a blur.  Exhaustion, pain pills, caring for the patient I love the most, and trying to keep it all together.

     Friday was the appointment with the oncologist.  Labs, more tests, and the reality that we had to go to the oncologist.  My husband now has an oncologist.  A cancer doctor.  I sat in the waiting room with him, with families that were further along in the journey than us.  I held his hand, expected the worst, hoped for the best.  The appointment went better than expected- it wasn't  the worst news, but it was still devastating.  A confirmation of stage 2 testicular cancer.  Possible lymph node involvement.   A scheduled pulmonary function test, a PET scan, 2-4 rounds of chemo.   It all seemed like so much to take in, and at the same time I was relieved to have a plan. Jay seemed confident, collected, and calm.  He said always the level headed one.  Sometimes i hate that he's so strong.  I feel like he feels like he has to be strong for me. That I'm a wreck and he needs to keep it together for for th eboth of us.  In the matter of 7 days our entire life had been flipped upside down.

    I'm sure this seems like a super intimate situation to share, but I want to do the best I can to make sense of this journey. To remember where we started,  to be able to share the triumph of my husband becoming a cancer survivor.  I want to be able to be of some inspiration to another sweet family that faces this scary situation someday. I want to be transparent and real.  To share an insiders view of what the process really looks like from the inside. From this new awful club we have to be a part of , because all I wanted was for someone to give me some insight.   I hope our journey will encourage others  and I hope that it'll remind people to pray for my best friend as he walks down this crazy road.

Why I Supported The Women's March

     There's no denying the fact that I'm pretty open and honest about the fact that I have some VERY unpopular opinions when it comes to politics and current events.  I realize, whole heartedly that it makes it very hard for some people to be friends with me, and thats ok.  I realize it challenges a lot of people and leads to defensive conversations where people feel that they have to defend their side of things, or tell me that I'm wrong, or that they think that my opinion is so absurd.  I know that, and I accept it, and I'm confidently OK with it.  I haven't always been so "liberal" as Jay has suddenly coined my new outlook on life.  At the ripe age of 18, I was a gun toting, planned parenthood condemning, intolerant, Tomi style kind of gal.  I would argue politics with two of my best friends (yeah we were super cool at 18, let me tell you) until the death because they LOVED to push my buttons about my conservative views.  I, in complete honesty, was SO ignorant.  I refused to see the world from outside of my own bubble.  I figured because I had overcome some adversity in my life and was able to be successful, that EVERYONE was capable of it.  I felt like that if people were stereotyped, it was because of their own behavior.  I refused to believe that prejudice existed in the United States- except for in the rare case of racist ignorance.

     I had no idea that women were often underpaid in the workforce.  That before the ACA women were often charged more for healthcare than men.  That women were not protected in the workforce when it came to pumping breastmilk for their children. I had no idea that Rape Culture was even a thing.  I was brought up in a world that you often blamed women for being too drunk, too promiscuous or being embarrassed about their sexual partners and blaming it on someone else.  I was taught that America was the greatest country in the world, that we had no flaws, and that everyone wanted to be us.  I had no idea that women don't have paid maternity leave, that the workforce is honest to God set against women going back into the workforce when they have kids through the increasing costs of childcare, and the lack of support from employers. I had no idea that women were often forced to go back to work before the recommended bonding time was up from the WHO because their jobs weren't protected.  I didn't know that Mommy wars were a thing.  Or that abortions are sometimes medically necessary (despite what the average person thinks) and that even though I absolutely despise the thought of a sweet baby not being given a life, that Quality of life is really an important thing to discuss.  I didn't realize that I wouldn't want to teach my daughter that if a boy likes her, then he'll pick on her- because I'm not ok telling my daughter to tolerate disrespect at any age from the opposite sex just because its the way I was taught. I refuse to let my children think that because they grow up in America, and white middle class privileged children, that there aren't people out there that have to fight for their rights and privileges.  If I taught my children to be complacent about their rights, I'd be doing an injustice to them.  If I were to tell my daughter- as a mother, its not your right to heal with paid time off after childbirth.  You shouldn't demand that your insurance coverage allow you affordable options of birth control to regulate your cycles and prevent an unwanted pregnancy.  Because if, God forbid my daughter were to find out in 25 years that this precious baby she prayed for would not survive a single second outside the womb and could potentially kill her, I would want her to have a choice, after having an educated discussion with her health care provider about her options.  Because I want to change the acceptable locker room conversation from talk of the unwanted grabbing of a married woman's p*ssy to that of respect for their future coworkers, wives, girlfriends, or daughters.   Because being called a "slut" and a "whore" is not something any young girl deserves to hear from any man.  Because women are shamed for not leaving abusive relationships, while people seem to forget that their abuse is at the hands of a man not being held accountable for his actions.  Because we live in a nation that only 34 states have laws against men that rape women that lead to the conception of a child from having parental rights to the child.  Because spousal rape was not illegal until 1993.

There are a lot of things people don't see inside their own bubble, and that saddens me. If you don't want to stand with your fellow sisters in solidarity for the challenges they face, you're not at all required, but remember who will stand with you when you realize that you want maternity leave paid for, or you are faced with the fact that if the ACA is repealed your pumping breaks at work are no longer mandatory and you may lose your job, or be forced to formula feed your kid against your wishes.  Nothing in this life is worth taking for granted.

My Sweet Magnolia

     With only 11 weeks left until I'm officially the mother to a little girl, it's safe to say that my hormones are running rampant on my life.  I spend every single day wanting to soak up every drop of my boys moments, while simultaneously wishing they would just finally give me a break and catch some sleep.  The moment they're asleep, I'm overcome with tears full of joy, sadness, guilt, longing for their noises, and everything in between.  Every night about the time they fall asleep, I usually catch Maggie moving like a mad woman.  I'm sure she moves through out the day, but its in those quiet moments that I get to focus on her for just a little bit, and the emotions all come flooding back. I couldn't be a more blessed wife or mother, and to be 100% honest, I'm completely undeserving.  I yell at my boys too often, I take Jay for granted WAY more than I should, I'm short on patience, super distracted, and I keep myself SO busy that I can't seem to give them enough of me at the end of the day.  But, for some unknown reason, God has blessed me with EXACTLY what I have always longed for.  A family, that despite our shortcomings loves each other non-stop.  As the days and weeks of this pregnancy march on, there are times when I wonder what my relationship will be like as my kids age.  Will they also know that I love them?  Will they question if I love them enough? Will they look back and remember the nights I told them we wouldn't snuggle and watch movies, only to give in because all I want is to hold them?  Will they remember that even though it was hard, I always left my door open for them to crawl into my bed at any given point in the night? Will they remember that I kissed them and prayed for and with them ever night after we read books before our movies?  Will they think back to the song I've sang for them since the day they were born and remember how overtime I sang it I would tear up. This "mom" thing is hard.  Super hard, especially when you come from a family that more often than not, was filled with anguish, and heartbreak, and longing for some normalcy.  So many of the scars of my past haunt me through this parenting journey.  I wonder if I'm enough, if I'm doing it right, if my kids are going to grow up and resent me for not being a good enough parent, and day after day I feel broken, and yet so wonderfully held together by my love for these tiny blessings and their pure and loving hearts.
     Knowing that I'm having a daughter has changed me in a way that I don't even think I can pinpoint.  When people ask me if I'm excited, I get a twinge of anxiety, and sadness, because as much as I am excited, I'm terrified.  I also feel guilty that it feels as if people assume my boys weren't enough.  I've said it a million times and I'll say it a million more, I never knew I wanted a daughter, I never longed for pony tails, and tutu's.  It was a desire hidden so far in my heart that I had NO clue it even existed, but God knew better than me once again. I pray everyday I do right by all three of my kids, but I pray differently for Maggie, I pray that I teach her to be loving and strong, to survive in a world that so often makes it hard for a woman to succeed.  I pray to lead her in grace and understanding and to be able to teach her that her worth is not found in anyone but herself.  My boys, I feel like they know that, or that teaching them that is so much more concrete.  But with girls, I feel as if the journey is totally different.  I"ve written letters to all three of my children through my blog during each one of my pregnancies.  For Jaxon, it was the end of my "nesting" and the start of my labor, Kasen, it was an attempt at preserving some "us" time in the midst of pure chaos, but with Maggie, the letter has been written over and over in my head. I've wanted to tell her a million things that are the insiders scoop to being a girl in this crazy world.  Some of it light, other parts dark and real, but all of it is important.  So tonight, as I get a few minutes to myself while my sweet boys are snuggled up asleep I figured I'd finally let some of the truth flow.  Hopefully it'll put these hormones in check for a few days, or at least make it bearable for me to function without crying as I walk into drop the boys off for school every other morning.


     My Dearest Magnolia,
       Sometimes it seems as if your due date is so far away, and other days, the anxierty of you being here creeps up on me like a shadow. To say that I'm excited is an understatement, to say that I am scared is an even bigger understatement.   You will be my one and only girl, my one shot at teaching another tender hearted little lady about how to be the best you can be when it comes to being human. I hope you're a far better person than me.  I hope that for your brothers too, but I pray everyday that you're more loving, more kind, more patient, and more beautiful than me.  I pray that you know how to walk away form people and things that hurt you.  I hope you know how to find your worth in your own soul, and not the words and actions of someone else.  I hope you never leave yourself in unsafe and vulnerable positions, but I hope you give true love the fighting chance it deserves.  I hope you follow your gut when it comes to making friends. That you don't fight for relationships that aren't building you up and making you a better person.  I hope you realize, long before you're 22 that not all of your "friends" have your best interests at heart. I hope you never let jealousy ruin your friendships. That you never take for granted your gifts and your journey.  I hope you never compare yourself to another girl on this planet.  That you never wonder if you're as pretty as someone else, or as smart, or if you're as loved.  I hope you never have to bypass your morals or beliefs to fit in.  I hope you never expect that from anyone else, either. I hope you never feel like you're not good enough. I hope you never treat anyone like they're "less than" you.  I hope you're open-minded and open-hearted and realize that just because someone looks differently, or believes differently, or is different in any way, shape or form doesn't mean they don't deserve grace, understanding, and respect.
     I hope everyday sweet girl that you find more comfort in your sweet and loving Daddy, and in your heavenly father than you do any man on this planet.  I hope you never have to search for the approval of a man that isn't good enough for you. I pray you have more respect for yourself, than any other human being on this planet. You set the standard of the respect you'll receive, sweet girl.  I hope your brothers will be your best friends, and that the three of you will never feel like you're treated differently.  I hope you all three realize that we love you all with that same amount of our bursting hearts, but we love you in ways that cater to your own personalities.  I hope you relish the time with your grandparents, sweet girl, because I know, all too well, that the years are so short but the memories seem to not be enough when the time comes to say goodbye.  I hope you learn to take care of yourself and find pride in your independence, while still being graceful enough to accept help when its offered.  Be grateful when that help is given.  Be loving and respectful to your future spouse, promise me, you won't try to run off the most wonderful man in your life, like I do all the time. I hope that someday, when you're older, you meet and marry a man so much like your Daddy, someone that doesn't leave no matter how far you push him.  I hope you won't push like me, Maggie.  I hope that you give, and accept love without reservations or fear.  I hope you have the most wide open heart, with just enough strength to know that love shouldn't hurt.  I pray that IF you ever have your heart broken, you'll find solace in letting me brush through your hair while you cry in my lap and we watch sad girl movies until we can't cry anymore.  I pray you find a great group of friends, a tribe, and I hope those friendships last you a lifetime. I pray that when some of those friendships end for reasons beyond your control, that you don't blame yourself, and that the grieving is short and thorough.  I pray you never feel like you can't be honest.  I pray that you always feel like you can be yourself.  Please don't let anyone ever tell you that you're "too much" or "too loud" or "too passionate" or "too intimidating.   Don't let anyone put out your fire for life, Maggie.  Don't ever let anyone dim your shine.  Hold fast to the promises of the future God has planned for you, and always be your big brothers' biggest fan.  Don't wish away your childhood, sweet girl.  Relish every moment you live under this roof with this crazy family.   Don't let anyone tell you that your life choices are wrong. Whether you grow up to be a doctor, and don't marry until you're 40 (or even at all) or if you're 22, in college, broke, marrying the cute older boy you met when you were 13, just seek God's will for your life and be confident in your choices.  Don't be afraid to ask questions, to admit your wrongs, or to respectfully question the way things have always been.  Find your voice, and use it. Don't ever be shut out.  Be beautiful, sweet daughter, on the inside before anything else, because beauty all radiate from your sweet soul and will captivate people for much longer than your outward appearance ever will.   Above all else, Maggie, know that I love you, and that I'm always in your corner, that I will fight for you until you can fight for yourself.  Know your Daddy loves you more than you could ever imagine, and that his heart longed for you for years before you were even a tiny little bean.  Your brothers think you're pretty special, too.  They have loved you from the very moment we knew you would be a part of our family.  They're super special little guys and I know you'll always appreciate their most precious, loving hearts.  Know I only want the best for you, Magnolia, and not by monetary standards, but in all the things money can't buy.  I can't wait to see your sweet face and hold you in our arms. I love you my sweet bean,


     Love Always,
     Mom

Third Pregnancy- A League of Its Own.

     So I guess its been about a week since Jay and I announced the news of our Baby Bean (each of my babies has had an in-utero nickname and this baby has been deemed "Bean, Jaxon was Baby J, and Kase was baby M2).  I will say this pregnancy has been SO different than the other two.  At first, I thought HG was back and the next 8-9 months were going to be terrible, but fortunately, it seemed to have lasted a few days, and the vomiting has stopped.  The nausea is minimal and I feel better than I've EVER felt being pregnant!  I know thats not a popular thing to say when you're pregnant because it makes people loathe you (personal experience perhaps, haha) but I do feel really good.   Obviously, I'm tired.  EXTREMELY tired, and throw living alone when Jay's gone, two kids, and an overnight 12 hour, extremely busy job in there, and its a recipe for extreme exhaustion. Naps are my best friend and my house is pretty disastrous to say the least.  I haven't been cooking much, and my appetite has been extremely small.  I haven't craved many foods, maybe some sour candy from time to time but thats a staple in my life 24/7.  I do crave Lunchables pretty often because I'm secretly 5 years old, but thats about the extent of that.
       When i got pregnant this time I made the commitment to get my battle with food under control.  For the last few years working out has been extremely important to me.  I've been back and forth with flexible dieting (aka counting macros, please if you want more information on this leave me a comment and I'll share my tips with you) and clean eating.  I often fail at clean eating because giving up dairy and sour candy isn't always high on my list for the week so I try to do a decent combination of both; gearing my meals to whole, clean foods, within my suggested macronutrients each day.  Some days are harder than others because I have pretty heavy food aversions to meat based proteins, especially chicken, which is the staple in my protein intake.  I've started eating more low sugar greek yogurts for breakfast and that seems to help with my protein intake, but I so sorely miss my protein shakes that I was using for snacks and recovery aids post work out.  Unfortunately, my protein powder was immediately removed from my diet as soon as I found out I was pregnant because BCAA's (branch chain amino acids) were a key ingredient and recent research shows that increased amounts of BCAA's may cause mental retardation in fetuses and nursing children.  No brainer for me on the removal of the protein shakes.  I'm not big supplement person, but prior to getting pregnant I took an amino acid drink mix for a pre-workout, and used my protein powder as a recovery drink.  Working out without them has been extremely interesting. I can tell a major difference in my endurance and recovery.
       Speaking of working out, I NEVER thought I'd be the type of woman that would say, "I'm going to continue to lift weights throughout my pregnancy.  I'm going to continue to work out as long as I can throughout my pregnancy." But, today, I am.  I will never label myself as a "fit" girl.  Obviously, I'm not anywhere near my ideal weight, but I'm SO much more active than I have been in previous pregnancies.  Working out doing cardio strength training for an hour three days a week isn't much compared to doing two hours of strength training including power and olympic lifting three to five days a week like I was prior to becoming pregnant, but it's a great start for me.  Especially after a couple of months off from weight lifting. Prior to becoming pregnant I was maxing out my back squats at 225, dead lifts at 250, and bench press at 95.  Obviously, my doctor did not recommend that I continue my heavy lifting during pregnancy.  She suggests that I don't lift more than 25lbs, BUT I will admit that thats not feasible for me right now.  Jaxon is 35lbs, Kasen is 25lbs, and there's no way I can avoid lifting in and out of their car seats, the changing table, the crib, the bath tub, etc.  I just have made the commitment to listen to my body.  Obviously I'm not lifting anywhere my max now.  My dietary intake has been majorly reduced so I know Im not giving my body as much as it needs for workouts like that, and I don't personally feel comfortable squatting 225 with Baby Bean depending on me to take the best care of them as I can, but I'm still lifting weights, still doing cardio training, and I'm planning on starting back in Yoga next week when I'm not working like a mad woman.
     There have been quiet a few things I've done differently this pregnancy, I've switched my Prenatal vitamins and DHA from Nature's Made combo prenatal and DHA to Smarty Pants Brand with DHA, EPA and Omega 3's  They're gummies, they come 120 to a bottle and I found them at Target for $22.95.  I thought maybe they would help with the sour candy craving, but lets face it, they don't taste anywhere as delicious as Sour Punch Straws do.  They are extremely digestible, don't make me sick, and don't taste terrible.  They've been a pretty great choice so far.  They're not GMO, gluten, allergen, artificial color, flavor and preservative free.  I usually take them at dinner time so that I have something in my stomach, but also so they can be digested at night while I'm sleeping without making me queasy, even when I have taken them during the day, or before my night shifts, I haven't had any issues with them making me nauseas! Always a win in my book.
     Having a third baby has meant some major changes for our family.  Prior to confirming our pregnancy, we had listed our house and were planning on moving out to the Wall School District so our littles could follow in their Daddy's footsteps, after lots of prayer and discernment, we came to the realization right now is not the time for us to make that move, we made the decision to take our house off the market, and two days later we got our big fat positive.  Our house is 3/2 and a little on the "cozy" side, but I'm excited to (hopefully) complete our little family right here in this little house. The boys will be sharing a bedroom starting in the next few months.  They're both extremely excited to be getting "up and down" beds -per Jaxon- (bunk beds).  They're inseperable anyways, and we do our bedtime routine in Jaxon's bed every night anyways, so them sharing a room is just extremely exciting to them. Another issue we faced was having a big enough car to comfortable fit three carseats and be big enough to fit all of our "stuff" in it also.   Luckily, an old high school friend is in the process of helping us get into a 2016 Yukon XL and I am absolutely STOKED.  Getting rid of Jay's (my) Jeep was extremely hard on me.  Not only has it been an awesome hobby, driving a jeep is like being in the cool kids club.  I guess I'm exciting the club and taking the "west texas mom's club" and moving onto a full sized giant SUV.  I'm already love with it and can't wait to get everything done so it's officially mine.
     We have had our first sonogram and appointment and I was so relieved to see that tiny heart beat pulsing away at 177 beats per minute.  Obviously, we cannot wait to find out if we're adding another rough and tumble boy, or a well looked out for, little girl.  I'll have lab work done on July 25 to draw blood to detect the gender, so we'll know within 2 weeks from that date.  I can't say we're hoping for one over the other, because either way we'll be extremely excited, but I'd be lying if I said I had both boy and girl names picked out.  Currently we have a girl's name set in stone, but the ONLY boys name I want, Jay is completely against, and anyone that knows the story with Kasen's name knows that we are named out on the Boys side. Jaxon and Kasen are both EXTREMELY excited about the baby and were so happy that my doctor so graciously printed them out their own sonogram pictures.  Jaxon is convinced its another brother, and his name is going to be Kasen or Jay Moore Jr.   No to both of those, for the record. They'll be just as excited for whatever we're blessed with as we will be.
    All in all, pregnancy is pregnancy and you never imagine how much it would change from child to child but truth is, it changes immensely.  This has been a much more positive journey over all for me compared to being pregnant with the boys.  I was always stressed out and worried, I did't feel well, and I gained a lot of weight.  I tried to stay active with Kasen but it was impossible with how sick I was all the time.  This time, my commitment to being healthy, active, and eating better is number one, and so far there has been zero weight gain.  I hope to keep it to a minimum and my doctor has told me that being overly worried about the scale isn't in her plan of care for me. She's excited to hear that I'm staying active and is supportive of me in doing that.  PS if you're pregnant and living in San Angelo, call Community Health Club and get some information about their Two-Fit Program. It's a great program and their facilities are WONDERFUL.

Until next time,
Peace, Love, and Bumps and Barbells
kb

Unapologetically HG

    So, many of you know, and many of you don't that Jay and I are expecting another little bundle of fun to join our already crazy family in the winter.  I haven't shared much because up until today, I hadn't felt very "pregnant" and I haven't had a sonogram yet and I wanted to wait until I did to tell the world, but today was one of those days that made me feel VERY pregnant.  It seems as if my Hyperemesis Gravidarum is back with a vengeance.  For those of you that don't know what HG is, its a complication that causes severe and persistent nausea, vomiting, and often leads to dehydration and weight loss.  It often accompanies several hospital stays, bags of IV fluids, and medications all just necessary to keep some form of normalcy in a mother-to-be's life.  I had HG with both of my boys, and unfortunately from the other survivors I've spoken to, it only seems to get worse with each subsequent pregnancy.  After Kasen, I thought I would NEVER have another baby thanks to this absolutely horrific complication.  While I'm sure many of you are thinking "it's called morning sickness and people go through it everyday" let me just explain to you that comparing HG and morning sickness is like comparing a Hurricane to a rain shower.  HG often lasts the duration of ones pregnancies and sometimes leads to the need for other medical interventions including feeding tubes and Zofran pumps.  Some women have even decided to terminate their pregnancies due to the lack of nourishment and the hardships HG causes. So trust me when I tell you, this isn't just morning sickness.

     Obviously, many people know NOTHING about HG, its not commonly spoken about and until recently most doctors didn't even acknowledge its existence.  It's not easy, and its VERY miserable, and unfortunately it effects more than just a mother and her unborn baby.  It effects every aspect of your life in a negative way, and infact, about 50% of mothers that suffer from HG are diagnosed as clinically depressed in response to how HG effects their lives.  I just want to share some thoughts I've had throughout my pregnancies to give a perspective on how HG effects the world around me everyday.



     To the Mother-    It's here! The day you've been hoping and praying for, for as long as you can remember.  The positive pregnancy test, the call from the doctor, the heartbeat on the ultrasound confirming a dream come true.  You are anticipating the pregnancy glow, the adorable bump, and all the "wonder" that comes with this magical time in your life.  What you weren't expecting were 10+ episodes of running to the bathroom day in and day out for weeks on end.  You weren't expecting weight loss, dehydration, and malnourishment.  You weren't expecting to spend your weekends, evenings, lunch breaks, or workdays in the ER or L&D being given 1000mls of NS wide open to rehydrate you.  You weren't expecting days where you couldn't get off the couch because you were so weak from not keeping anything down for days....you weren't expecting this.
    Husbands-  You knew your life would change and that you would be responsible for "more" around the house.  You knew your wife would be moody, and hungry, and tired; that she would want back and foot rubs and to be treated to ice cream at 2am despite the fact that there isn't any in the freezer.  You knew she might be "sick" from time to time and that you would eventually get used to the site of saltines at her bedside. What you didn't expect; were days spent where she does nothing but cry and vomit simultaneously until she is pure worn out.  You didn't expect your house to look like a disaster zone day in and day out because the smells of cleaning supplies, and laundry detergent, and your dirty clothes send her into a tailspin of violent vomiting.  You didn't expect her to gag through the grocery store as you passed raw meat, or to not eat more than a bite or two at a time because she can't stomach even her favorite foods. You didn't imagine you'd be spending your days off holding her hand as she sits and receives fluids and cries about the situation.  You never thought you'd hear the sounds of her retching day in and day out as your once beautiful and strong wife becomes weak and worn out.  You never expected something so wonderful to be so tragic.
       To the other children- you may be so excited about another brother or sister, or maybe you're unsure but you definitely don't understand why your mommy seems to be so sick and sad so often.  You have no idea why she barely cooks, and never eats with you anymore.  Why your fridge is stocked with lunchables and frozen PB&J's when you clearly know, your Mom knows how to make these things herself.  You can't understand why she's constantly asking for your help, or why she can't take you to do all the fun things she used to today.  You wonder why this baby that everyone is so happy about is making your Mommy so sad, so sick, and so tired, but you just try to take it day by day and pray that things are better tomorrow.  You were expecting change, but you weren't expecting this.

To the rest of the world- Friends that expected your schedule to change, but can't understand why you can't keep dinner plans, or movie night plans or even show up to weddings or baby showers because you're terrified of getting sick at a public place or function, become frustrated and disappointed in your frequent "flakiness".  Your house looks like a mess, the pantry is empty, the laundry has piled up, and the dogs are almost ignored except for the quick rub on the head as you refill their water and food.  There are days when you physically cannot do your job thanks to dehydration and lack of nutrients.  When your boss is frustrated with you and your coworkers gossip about how you need to just "suck it up".  Truth is HG changes everything, and somedays you wonder how being so miserable can be so "worth it" but Momma, I promise you, the misery and terrible flashbacks someday fade.  Someday, you'll be able to walk through the grocery store again, and enjoy your favorite foods, when Pedialyte won't be your first drink of choice and when you'll hold that baby in your arms and feel relief that the worst is over. I'm not going to tell you that you'll miss being pregnant or be glad you endured the worst of the worst, but you will be glad it's over.  You'll have made new friends that endure this misery with you, that understand, and that care, and that would hold your hand, or your hair through the roughest days.  Your kids gain some independence, and you are blown away by how smart and wonderful they became. You learn to lean on your husband a little more, and to ignore th messy house from time to time (because babies only stay little for so long, so whats a few more months of chaos).  You learn to be strong, to endure, and to survive.  How to pick yourself up off the floor day in and day out and do the very best that you can.  You learn your strength, your grace and your beauty and you use it to educate other people.  To be there for the Moms that feel alone, or to take over lunch to a husband and the other children that are over frozen pb&j's.  You learn to wash your face, dust yourself off, and keep going.



Until Next Time,
 Peace, love, and toilet bowls.
kb

Faux Granite Counter Tops- A Lesson in Patience and Exploration

     So I think just about everyone knows that we're preparing to list our house and buy a fixer upper in a neighboring community where the Husband attended school. With hat being said, I have been trying to spruce up this house to add a little bit of flare to get it sold more quickly.  There are a lot of projects I've put off doing because I figured I had forever to do them, and then there are some, that I just wasn't brave enough to try.  This was one of those projects.  
      I had a lot of people ask about the process I used and one of my best friends has been trying to convince me to share some of my DIY's so I figured this would be the perfect opportunity to start.  I read numerous Pinterest posts and nothing really spoke to me about HOW to go about painting this.  Everything was just "no rhyme or reason, no patterns, use a sea sponge, TA DAH! mine came out perfect!" Anyone that knows me knows, nothing I do goes like I plan...theres always a glitch. This project was no exception.  
      I started off with laminate counter tops that had been painted a flat brown by the previous owner.  (So shout out to Shelby in making my project that much easier).  I started off by taking off EVERYTHING on the counter tops obviously.  Once everything was accumulated to the kitchen table I cleaned and prepped my counter tops with a little LA's Totally Awesome Cleaning Spray (found at the Dollar Tree)- If you haven't tried this stuff, its pretty great; and extremely inexpensive, but I'll have to share about that next time.  I just sprayed and wiped.  Make sure you get the crevices, and sides really good. Next I took Frog Tape from Lowe's and taped off the walls, the sink, etc.  * Tape two layers stacked on top of each other for the walls if you're messy like me.  Once everything was taped off and cleaned, I prepared my paints. (If your laminate isn't color that you feel will blend with your desired look, I suggest painting the entire counter top with a single color before beginning.
      I started out with 4 different colors. Anita's All Purpose Metallic Craft Paint in Black, and Espresso Bean, Folk Art Metallic Acrylic Paint in Pure Gold, and Americana Acrylic Paint in Bleached Sand. (All found at Hobby Lobby)  I had a pretty solid idea in my head of what I wanted it to look like, and I picked colors based on what I had envisioned.  The black, was not at all metallic, which was perfect for what I wanted but it was something I had on hand from another project so I knew what it was going to look like. The gold, was in fact VERY gold, I wanted something that had some shine and sparkle to accent all the flat colors, something to give it that "real" contrast.  Just go with whatever look you want.  I really wanted to add some turquoise to match my dining room but I decided I better just stick with my natural earth tones.  I used a foil roasting pan (from HEB) and put some paint in each corner, all bets were off.
     I also purchased a Sea Sponge (also from Hobby Lobby) because I had read that was the best way to apply the paint.   When I started with the Sea Sponge, it was a terrible look.  Everything was too uniform, there was no blending, it was a mess.  So I cut my sponge into several different sizes, and then proceeded to find a plastic bag, and an old small paint brush to help with my project.  I knew I wanted darker counter tops so i started with my lighter accent colors (Bleached Sand and Pure Gold). I used different sizes of sponges for the Sand and the Gold.  Some areas were very heavy in gold, and some were more heavy with the Sand. I then took the black, and another couple of sizes of sponge and layered it on top of the lighter colors.  The first layers I did, I used a sponge for the Espresso- which was my key color.  It didn't turn out to well.

Clearly, you can see that it needed some MAJOR blending.  This looks awful to me, someone even referred to it as looking like a calico cat.  But it got better.

 So I layer on a little bit more of the white, gold, and black, and then took my plastic bag, crinkled it up in my hand, and went to town with the brown paint.  This made a WORLD of difference. Once I got the hang of the plastic bag, I started getting more than one color on the plastic bag.  A little brown, a little bit of the black, and maybe some area with white.   There was some areas where I lightly brushed my paints with the plastic bag, and then layered over it with the same "stippled" pattern from the plastic bag.  It's really all about trial and error.

The finished product! I couldn't be happier about the outcome!  I hope a buyer loves it as much as I do!

My major tips for this part would have to be 1) use different application processes-  I don't care if you do some crazy splatters, or use a loofa, whatever makes you happy, don't be afraid to try it.  2) tape tape tape- I'm extremely messy when I paint.  I had paint all over the place.  I was then left scrubbing paint off my walls where I had only used one row of tape. 3) If you feel like it doesn't look natural enough, it doesn't.  Once I finally got the look I wanted, it was like it just "clicked".  I went from hating this project to feeling like a pro within a matter of minutes.  4) you CAN work with paint still being wet on the countertops.  I never left my project for a few hours to let it dry.  once you start working, the paint dries quickly anyways but bleeding paint colors is necessary so don't be worried if it mixes.  5) If you're short like me, work from the back of the counter to the front- I had paint all over the place because I kept having to lean against the counter to reach the back.  6) The crevices of where you're counters go up the wal, and the sides that turn to the floor are the hardest to cover.  Go heavy on the paint.  7) don't over analyze the project. Even if you mess it up, keep working, you'll find a way to get the look you want- just don't be afraid to explore!.

Here were the players in todays project.  Not pictured, the foil roasting pan, frog tape, and the paint brush. 

     Once my counter tops were dry all the way, I used a sealer to protect the paint from cleaners, chips, etc. I used a spray Acrylic Sealer from Mod Podge in Gloss (Hobby Lobby) but, do as I say, not as I do in this situation and buy some Polycrylic (Lowe's) and roll it on with a paint roller.  I had to open up all the windows, doors, and turn all the fans on and it still was WAY too much for me to handle.  I've also heard rave reviews about using Epoxy to achieve a very high gloss, resin finish.  I didn't have the time or the will power for that option.  I did two coats of the sealant.  Let each coat dry in between applications, and didn't use any heave cleaners or put anything that would stick to my counter tops back for the first 24 hours.  Everything is holding up nicely.  I love the changes it made in my kitchen and I think it was a success.

In this picture, you can see where I taped off the Sink.  This was my after.  The Countertops were originally the same color as the cabinets.  Ignore my Dirty Dishes... I started this project in the middle of the day and couldn't risk splashing my counter tops after lunch.

 

Total Cost- I'm going to estimate $30 or less.  I bought my paint on sale at Hobby Lobby.  The small bottles were between $.54- $1.37 each and I bought 3 of the small espresso bean, one of each of the bleached sand (wished I had grabbed a second) and one of the gold.  I had a large black bottle of paint on hand from another project, but you could buy 2 or three bottles of black and do a small kitchen.  I only showed half of my kitchen in my photos.  theres still a large bar, and the other half of the sink that were done also.  The sea sponge was $3.99- without a coupon. Mod Podge Spray was $8.99 without a coupon- but I suggest purchasing polycrylic instead. It's just easier to work with

Total Time- 4-5 hours- I have to work around two small children, that need to be fed, cared for, picked up from MDO, etc.  It kind of adds to how long it takes

Skill level- Absolute beginner! You just have to be brave enough to try it!

-Until Next Time

Peace, Love and Sea Sponge-

Kayla 

A Reason, a Season, or a lifetime.

   






      I realize its been eons since I last published anything.  It's not that I haven't written, not that I don't have a dozen rough drafts laying around my virtual desk, and definitely not that I haven't had much to say, just that writing anything I felt ready to make public has been a daunting task.  The last few months have been extremely trying for me mentally, and emotionally.  It's been a series of transitions, new findings, and acceptance of some very strong emotions.  This post has been something that has been weighing so heavily on my heart for the last few weeks and I think I'm finally ready to give it ago.
     I turned 26 this year, it felt so insignificant, just another day. Turning 25, on the other hand, was supposed to be my big cornerstone.  Little did I know, that the changes that occurred at 25, would be even bigger, and more intense at 26.  In the last year, I've started focusing on making some major lifestyle changes as far as my health and fitness go.  That's not to say that I've stopped eating my normal foods, or went vegan, only that I started lifting heavy, making healthier choices, and viewing my body in a new way.  That in itself has changed so many different aspects of my life.  For one, it put me in the path of some of the most amazing women I have ever had the opportunity to get to know through the inter webs.  Women that are driven, intelligent, confident, kind, and absolutely my biggest cheerleaders (well, they cheer me on, and put me in check so, I'm not sure what that makes them, except for amazing).
     One of those women is a writer that I absolutely adore.  She's written her own book, founded a magazine, has her own marketing company, is an event planner, entrepreneur and is truly just an absolute doll.  She recently wrote an article titled, 11 Reasons Why We Can't Be Friends and it rocked my socks.  Over the last few years, I have truly realized how important friendships are to this crazy life.  I've walked away from a lot of bad situations, tried to hang onto a lot of unhealthy relationships, and sought out new and empowering fellowship. This year, I've faced a lot of big issues that has made me really look at a lot of my relationships and evaluate their importance, and longevity in my life.  So in celebration of sweet Chrystal Rose ( y'all, she's marrying her absolutely adorable fiancé this weekend, and I couldn't be more excited for them, be sure and send her lots of "Congratulations) I figured I'd use the inspiration she's shared with me and write about the six relationships I'm happy to have ended in 2015.



 One- The Self Absorbed Friend-
   
     Anyone that knows me knows that I pour out my heart and soul to people.  I often place myself last on my own priority list.  I will give someone the shirt off my back in a snowstorm just to make them more comfortable (or my boots in a pasture so my friend can avoid getting in trouble at a party in high school, shout out, LP) and I do it all without complaining.  I avoid trying to put too much focus on myself.  I feel most at peace with this world when I can stay out of the spotlight, and as close to invisible as humanly possible.  They say opposites attract, and therefor, I have taken on several self-absorbed counterparts.  Everything is fine for a while, the "me me me" is bearable, almost enjoyable, because I no longer have to deal with the undesirable situations in my life in their presence.  Until, I hit my breaking point and realize that I cannot hear another minute of their close minded, pity party.
     There comes a time in your life when you move past the 14 year old mindset, psychologically speaking, your development transitions to a new stage and you start to evaluate the rest of the world.  For some reason, I tend to find people that missed that transition and are sitting at "Me Station" waiting on the next train to come in.  I cannot hold any respect for someone that truly believes they're the only person that's ever had to face adversity. If you've made it into early adulthood with out having to deal with any major life-changing issues, I'm sorry but you lack the life experiences needed to form a lasting relationship.  Friendships are not one-sided.  They are not fan clubs, I am not your shrink.  If you need me at 3am, and want to bellow about your break up, your uncomfortable situation, or your family issues, by all means, call me up.  I will be there to listen, give advice when you ask, and just sit with you until you are ready to put on your big girl panties, and face the world.  I refuse to be that person, if you cannot at the very least, acknowledge that when I need a friend, and might call you, that it's because I have reached a point that I cannot go on alone. I need, for a change, someone to ask about me. Even if I lie to your face and tell you I'm ok, at least theres a sense of knowing that someone cares.  So to the self-absorbed former friend, goodbye, and good riddance.  I hope that you someday learn to respect the rest of the human race.


Two- The My Way is The Right Way- "Please Buy Into My Cult" Friend

     Let me start by saying, this is not directed towards Direct Sales friends, we all know I am part of a direct sales company that I adore, and it's brought me some wonderful friendships, but if the only time you have anything to say to me is when you're shoving your products down my throat, don't.   Like I mentioned earlier, it's been an exciting journey to find my niche in the fitness world.  I've tried weight watchers, and been a cardio queen, I've done Les Mills class after Les Mills class.  I've done yoga, and Zumba and The Thirty Day Shred, and yet, I never felt like it fit me. I found Ashley Horner on instagram last year, and immediately came intrigued by her strength, beauty, and pure heart.  I finally decided to purchase a program in February and joined a group of some elite Athletes.  Women that could squat my body weight, women that ate their brownies, and competed in strongman competitions (Shout Out JPC, you're my homegirl).  Women that were working their way from 100lbs overweight, to 18% body fat.  Women, that were there to encourage, and empower each other.  In my real world.  I was faced with, "Do you realize you're going to get too bulky and look like a man?"  "You're never going to lose weight if you are still indulging in sugar, carbs, fats, etc." "You don't need supplements" or..."If you want to lose weight, you need to buy these magic pills made with unicorn poop and fairy farts, and our delicious shakes with the nectar of the god's complete with only 5 grams of protein, 47 grams of carbs and enough sugar to put your glucose at 658 before lunch."  Very rarely was I encouraged to work on those 205b squats, or celebrated for meeting my macro counts perfectly and dropping weight like nothing while still eating delicious cheesecake and ice cream.
     If you want to make changes in your life to be the best version of you, surround yourself with people that encourage it.  Not people that are so caught up in hating themselves that they're sabotaging your journey.  Say goodbye to the friend that can't encourage the changes you're making, because they're insecure about the decision they're making about their own lifestyle.  Don't drink the fairy fart koolaid if you don't feel that its a good choice for your body. Find people that don't encourage you to make changes for their benefit, but for your own, (unless that benefit is that they get to spend more time lifting heavy stuff with you, because I promise, its a great time to bond, strong women make strong friends).


Three- The Rumor Mill

     Recently I was confronted about a rumor, so ignorant, that if I wasn't so softhearted, I would have laughed out of existence.  A rumor, that in certain circumstances could have broken the toughest of ties.  A rumor, that changed the course of my families future in one phone call.  A rumor, started by a friend that could have EASILY called me up, confronted me about, and preserved a 10 year friendship with my family.   I have some pretty high standards when it comes to keeping people in my life at the ripe old age of 26.  If you don't have enough decency to come to me, or the other person this rumor effects and confront the issue head on, I do not have the decency to allow you to be a part of my life.
     There are so many situations in life when people are forced to a fork in the road.  In the most prime of examples, is when a rumor is presented to you.  You can either spread it, or stop it.  It's the wildfire of the social world.  Wildfires burn bridges, and in the words of Dylan McKay, "May the bridges I burn, light the way." If you can't put out the fire, don't expect me to value your friendship anymore than a man values ashes.


Four- The Flake

     I really pride myself in being a planner.  I keep a tentative schedule of events that I consider attending, events I'm committed to, and events I'm obligated to attend.  Since my husband works out of town, I have a lot of time to fill my calendar with fun things to do, but on rare occasion, I want to just made a sporadic date to enjoy some casual company.  If you can't go, I promise I'll completely understand.  If you're going to tell me, "[I] would love to!" and then not show up the day of,  you can guarantee that I won't be offering again.   I'm not the "we totally need to get together soon, but I really mean never because I'll never call" kind of person. I'm a pretty solid woman of my word.  I was raised to only say what I mean.  If I can't, or don't want to attend an event.  I'll tell you.  If I'm running late, or have something that's come up and won't be able to make it in a timely manner, I'll apologize profusely, while being honest and open about the situation.  I am not a flake, and I prefer not to waste my precious time waiting on someone that is a flake, try to make time for me in their life.  I guess this would include the "fair weather" friends as well.  The friends that need/want you around when they're single, or in a relationship, but not one or the other.  I'm a married woman, whose husband works 4 hours from home for weeks-months on end.   I have plenty of time for "girl time" and I am ecstatic to make plans for "couples" outings when my husband is home, but if you can't be my friend because of your relationship status, you're better off avoiding me completely.



The truth is, as young people adventuring into this world, theres a lot we don't know.  A lot we will face that we haven't faced before.  We aren't always going to know the answers, and we don't all have the same life experiences as the next person.  We have to value ourselves, and our friendships enough to be there to encourage each other down the winding road of life.  You can't keep a friend by not being a friend.  By coming to terms with what I find unacceptable in my friendships, I'm able to be a better friend to those that are deserving of my time and energy.  I'm able to continue to grow into a better friend, better mother, better wife, and an even better version of Me.  A wise woman once told me, that friends come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.  The four aforementioned seasons have all come to a close in my life, the last snow melting off the mountain tops in the distance, something I knew was coming, but slipped away so unnoticeably that I almost forgot it was gone. Turning 26 has meant a lot of changes already, and over the next nine months, will bring even more.  In letting go of these friendships I've allowed myself to grow, like a flower in the spring, I'm going to stand tall amidst the blooms of new friendships.  Friendships that may only be here for a reason, a season, or maybe a lifetime.


Until Next Time,

Peace, Love, and Oly Bars

Life and Love, Lately....

So....I couldn't tell you the last time I wrote.  I know, its been a LONG time and I've thought to myself 1000 times that I should sit down, put my current thoughts and memories on digital paper and be able to remember these sweet moments that have engulfed my life since becoming a Mommy of Two.  So many things have changed in my life since November 25.  We went from being a family of three, to a family of four.  I've battled the stress of taking care of two children, our first "layoff" as a family, amongst a lot of other trials.  Needless to say, we've flourished because of them.   When I had Kasen, I knew I wanted to start making some changes in our lives for the better...January came around and I knew that for 2015, I wanted to "live better".   I don't usually make resolutions because I feel like I don't live up to them as clearly as I hope to, but making a commitment to "live better" was just the start I needed to jump start my journey to becoming the Wife, the Mom, the Sister, the Daughter, the Friend, the Nurse and the Me,  I wanted to be.  Some of the things I wanted to accomplish this year were to make new friends, and take opportunities to spend qualify time with other Mom, wives, and women that would build me up and hold me accountable to be better.  I decided I wanted to slowly transition into a healthier lifestyle.  I wanted to envelop myself into my life and not live it through the camera on my phone, or the camera in my giant camera bag.  Yes, I want to capture memories, but I also want to be so engrossed in the happenings of our lives that I can remember exactly what it feels like to watch Jaxon stand on the river bank and throw rocks in the water, or how it feels to hold sweet Kasen while he smiles a sleepy smile before falling asleep.  I don't want to share all of these memories with social media, or even my friends and family.  I want to hold onto some of these sweet precious fleeting moments for myself.  I feel like the changes I've made over the last few months have helped me become the beginning of a better me.  I've learned to accept that my house isn't going to be spotless as long as I have three boys in this house.  I've learned to accept that I may not always have it together, but at least I have life, and reality, and honest brazen emotions and feelings and everyday moments.

Until next time,
Peace, Love and Organic Memories

Moore Family Lately….and Number 7- My Dream Job….'

Well, I've been slacking on writing.  Probably because being awfully sick (Hyperemesis Gravidarum), working full time, vacationing in Mexico, getting ready for the baby and managing a home and a family…I  haven't had much time to write.  I guess I should update y'all on some of the big stuff…

April- in April I went on my Walk To Emmaus, flight 1748and I have to say, it was BY FAR one of the best experiences of my entire life…if you haven't been on one, don't know what it is, or just aren't' sure PLEASE don't hesitate to talk to me about it!  I would be MORE than happy to share some info with you and pray for your chance to go!  Jay sponsored me, which I feel like was a HUGE moral booster for our wedding… as a woman, I know my husband prays for me…but to hear from people that he spent time out of his weekend to sit in a chapel and pray over me was absolutely outstanding to me!  NEVER in my entire life have I felt so overcome by real, selfless love!  Not only was my precious husband praying for me, but total strangers, my family, my friends and my sweet mother-in-law who was on the music team and served me and my fellow pilgrims on our walk.  I cannot even express the amount of overwhelming love I felt between all the women and men involved directly and indirectly with our walk, as well as the overwhelming, unconditional love of our Savior!   I seriously cannot express how amazing the weekend was but I can tell you that I wish I could experience it over and over and over, luckily… I have made some great friends and reliving those feelings are never too far from home!  

May- I can't think of anything extremely exciting about May off the top of my head, except for my baby sister graduating high school!  I am extremely proud of her…but I am a little sad that she'll be taking off for Austin in just a few months to go to UT.

June- Family Vaction!   We spent 8 days and 7 nights in sunny Cancun, Mexico with my family and I have to say, there is nothing a little bit of salt water and sand can't cure!  Jay, Jaxon and I enjoyed lots of time on the beach, and at the pool.  We spent some time snorkeling, riding around Cozumel, and Isla Mujeres.  It was a LOT of fun.  

July- My little Jaxy turned a whole 2 years old on the second!  I cannot believe how big he is and how much fun he has become!  His vocabulary has expanded immensely, and he's become quite the baseball and football fan.  In fact, there's not a sport he doesn't love.  He enjoys anything with a ball to be real honest.  He's become a big fan of riding around in Daddy's "beep" (jeep), and carries his fishing pole all over the house.  He's been camping out in the living room playing in his tent since his birthday and thinks that begging for cake for breakfast is going to eventually mean I'm going to give in.  He still loves to talk about the baby and his new signature phrase is "awe, how tuuute" (Awe, how Cute!)  He kisses my belly every chance he gets and loves to rub it when we're laying around trying to sleep…I guess he's decided I'm starting to look like Buddha?!   Speaking of…little M2 (which is the nickname I've given this baby until he are for sure we've got baseballs or bows coming around) we hit 19 weeks today…. he or she is the size of a mango!   I'm starting to become closer to the size of a house (or so it feels)  I changed up my schedule at work to be part time for now…I was super sick for the first 18.5 weeks with this pregnancy and ended up in the ER for dehydration… thank God for Zofran! Luckily, I'm feeling better.  Jaxon starts Joy School at Glen Meadows in the Fall and I am SO excited for him to have the opportunity to spend two days a week with other kids his age learning and playing!  I know it will be a great thing for both of us!  As of right now, I'll be working the night before he goes to Joy School and then he'll attend Joy School for half a day while I try to grab a few Z's.  

and well, since I've given a little update, I guess I'll continue with my 30 Things my Kids Should Know About Me 

Number 7 is a post about my dream job…I know, I know, I ALWAYS waste a few minutes of your time telling you how hard it is for to write certain things and then they just flow…but to be honest…this is a hard post for me…I'm a Nurse by education, and skill (or something like that) but I am a Mother by nature… therefor to pick my dream job feels like I have to choose to do one more than the other…not to mention, since I've been a nurse, I've struggled with figuring out exactly WHAT my next career move will be.  While I enjoy more "med-surge" nursing, it's not what I want to do for the rest of my life.  But, I don't really know what I want to do for the rest of my life….so here goes my post before I ramble anymore….

My Dream Job….well…. to be honest, when I started studying to become a nurse I wanted to be a pediatric oncology nurse, or a NICU nurse, and then I started falling in love with Labor and Delivery…and then it was midwifery…and then it was Nursery, and now it's NICU, Pedi, Nursery and L&D… to be honest, I think being a midwife is my dream job…If I could do ANYTHING in the world, I would without a doubt travel the world doing a doctor's without borders program to take care of women all over the world.  But, maybe trauma and ER medicine in the military would be my other dream job.  Or…maybe…. my dream job would be becoming a freelance photographer and traveling the world and walking in War Zones to create historical images for the future generations to learn from.  I might even find my dream job in becoming an anchor on The Today Show…but lets face it…of all those things, very few are probably ever going to happen.  Fortunately, there was a "dream job" I dreamed of before I ever even knew what a stethoscope, or SLR, or The Today Show were. I wanted to be a Mom before any of those things.  When I was little I remember stuffing baby dolls into the bottom of my shirt and pretending I had a baby growing in my belly that I would get to play mom to.  I remember loving, holding and clothing these tiny baby dolls and dreaming of the day, that I would FINALLY be a "real" Mom.  To say I was obsessed, might be underestimating my passion for being a "mom".  When I was 4 or 5 I started dreaming of weddings, and houses, and children.  I wanted to be a "stay at home mom" and I wanted to have a handsome husband and lots of little babies to take care of.  So maybe…of all the wild dreams I've dreamed…being a Mom and a wife is my true Dream Job.  Growing up my "what I want to be when I grow up answer included EVERYTHING from Astronaut, to musician, to Lawyer, to Doctor, to fireman, to race car driver, to oil field worker, to teacher…and the  list goes on and on…but one thing I never stopped wanting to become was a Wife and Mom.  Luckily, I got to become both of those things at the young age of 22.  I get to live my dream job everyday.  Luckily, I also get to be a nurse and take care of all kinds of people.  I get to live my dream job, and have a career.  I can't tell you that I wouldn't love to be on stage singing to a crowd full of people, or delivering babies in Africa, because I would love to do those things, but there's no way I would trade being Mrs. Jay Moore and your Mom for a chance to do ALL those things in the world.  That's what makes being your Mom and your Dad's best friend my dream job.  Maybe it's not a job because I love what I do…but maybe it is a job because I'm constantly cleaning up after you little monkeys!  Thanks for letting me live my dream.  I couldn't be more blessed!

Until Next Time,
Peace, Love and Jobs.