Saturday, Feb 17 hit the "One Year" mark since we sat in that cold, scary ER room and heard the devastating news that Jay had a mass, that was probably cancerous...the next few days seemed to drag on, and for some strange reason, I've relived them on their own one year mark this week. Part of me has had to take the time to grieve, yet again, that we lost the ignorance of feeling invincible in our twenties, grieving the false sense of "good health" and grieving the timeline in which we had set for some of our biggest dreams coming true. I remember laying on the couch one year ago, tears stinging my eyes, as I laid next to my husband not knowing if He would be on this earth 6 months, or a year from that moment. I held our babies, I cried, and for the first time in my adult life, I surrendered my plans and accepted that I do not control the outcome of my next moment in this world.
Jay's cancer diagnosis has been both the worst and best thing to have happened to our family. We have learned so much about ourselves, our faith, our health. We've taken the time to step back and be better parents, better partners, and better friends. We've found out who our Village is, we made new friends, and we learned how to gracefully walk away from relationships that are not nourishing our souls. This year has been a whirlwind of emotions, but I really have chosen to think of it as a year of triumph, and victory. I am so proud of how much we have grown and changed. I'm glad of the chances we've taken and how much we've learned to just live in the moment.
While I could sit and hate today, it feels really good to know my sweet husband will be calling me on the phone soon to tell me goodnight. We have a beautiful one year old baby girl, and two of the most handsome and kind little boys anyone could ever ask for. I feel like over the next 4 months, there will be lots of thoughts and memories of Chemo, and the bad days we shared only between each other, but come June 2, the celebration of having one year of clean scans will be like celebrating a new "birthday" for Jay. I'm so thankful everyday God blessed me with that lanky 15 year old boy 15 years ago, and I'm thankful for the journey we have shared together. I could not have asked for a better best friend through the heartaches of my high school days, to being his caregiver through what I'm sure is the scariest journey of his life. I would do it all over again if I had to, but I pray everyday that the next 70 years of our lives are full of health, happiness, and new adventures.
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