Things We Wish You Knew

Jay and I are both pretty transparent by nature.  We're pretty honest and upfront with people about the way we feel, or the way we think, or just about situations in general.  We're not the kind of people to fall in to obligatory explanations about things. If we don't wanna talk about it, we'll tell you. Over the last few weeks we've both done a lot of soul searching on how this situation makes us feel. We come to the realization that the things people think would bother us, don't.  Last night as we laid in bed we talked about the things we wished people knew about the life of a family with a loved one fighting cancer.  I figured I would share the few things I felt were most important to us at this point.        Don't be afraid to call              We've had a lot of people mention that they didn't wanna bother us with phone calls, text messages, or coming by.  That they felt like they were bothering us...let me just stop you right there.   Jay and I (especially Jay) live for being surrounded by our friends and family.  We enjoy hosting people in our albeit tiny, home.  Jay appreciates, beyond compare the camaraderie felt when he's surrounded by people that care.   He definitely feels the love and support from everyone that has left Facebook comments, texts, voicemails etc.  in times like this.  No one wants to feel alone.   We really don't care if you're super close to us, acquaintances, or people from our past. Not a single caring thought or word has gone unappreciated in our house.      We're not afraid to talk about it         I often have people corner me away from Jay to ask me how things are going. They're embarrassed to ask about the situation in front of him. The conversation, I admit it is awkward.  Who really wants to talk about testicles.  Sick testicles. Surgically removed testicles.  But, testicular cancer is no more awkward to talk about than breast cancer, skin cancer, colon cancer or any other cancer.  If you want to ask, do!  If we don't wanna tell you every detail you're asking about, we won't. But I can guarantee, we aren't easily offended, especially not about this.     Don't get Down               Jay definitely isn't the type of person to let anything get him down.  He's an optimist. I'm a realist, and seeing as where the medical field is where I make my living, I have a hard time only thinking about the positive.  Jay constantly reminds me to just be positive about the whole situation. To believe that treatments aren't going to be too terrible for him. The positivity everyone has shared with us has changed the air for us. It's helped us nurture our hope.   We're REALLY bad about not asking for help       A lot of people have asked how they can help, besides not knowing WHAT we need right now, Jay and I are terribly proud people.  We would chew our own arms off before we asked for help.  It's not a great characteristic to have, but we own it.  The help that has been offered to us has been so greatly appreciated.  Don't think because we haven't asked for help, that we're against receiving it, we just struggle with asking.  This entire situation has been extremely humbling for both of us.  We're both used to being able to help other people out. To be supportive in everyone else's time of need so we're learning to walk before we run when it comes to being on the other side of things.          We really can't make plans        When we were leaving the ER the Friday night that they found Jay's mass, he asked me about cancelling a trip we had just booked to Mexico, sans kids, to watch one of his best friends get married.  I immediately lost it.  These might have been the first words we spoke after they told us what they found, or maybe it's the first thing that I was aware enough to hear, either way it was enough to shake me up. I immediately started bawling/yelling at jay to NOT talk to me about anything past Monday morning because my mind couldn't process anything beyond that part of our future.  What do you do in that situation?! Cancel the trip because of skyrocketing medical bills and the uncertainty of possibly not being able to make it, or hold onto the hope that you're both going to be able to enjoy that trip and make precious memories with people that mean so much to you. (PS, we still aren't sure what the right answer is to that question). Anyone that knows me, knows I plan my life months, hell, even years in advance.  Anyone that knows Jay, knows he doesn't plan for anything.  We are learning to balance each other out right now.  Making a decision on how to RSVP to weddings next month makes me crazy, because I don't know how he'll react to chemo, or when I'll be able to work in order to get him to his chemo appointments and take care of him and the kids and juggle normal life. I hate telling people we'll be somewhere if we can't.  My planner is covered in appointments for our family, with Jay needing to be at the doctor or the chemo clinic anywhere from 1-5 days a week.  If we can't give you an answer on our attendance to functions, just know we're trying. That we're facing the harsh reality of major uncertainty in every second of our daily lives. Though we seem to have it together most days, that's not always the case      I know that everyone doubts that Jay ever has a weak or vulnerable moment, trust me I don't believe it myself most of the time, but he's not always that way.  I guess that's the bittersweet part of all of this, even in this mess we share some completely intimate moments between ourselves that no one else gets to be a part of.  I on the other hand cry almost anytime someone speaks to me.   Don't take it personally, don't avoid me because of it, it's normal- at least for me.  I'm a crier. I cried when his friends packed our house with groceries, I cried when we were in the ER.   I cried when they took him back to surgery.  I cry because we're driving the boys to school and there's a song on the radio that even remotely speaks to me.   We stand in the hallways and talk to people at school with all the confidence in the world.  We hug our friends at church with smiles on our faces and assuredly talk about the treatment plan and our timeline. Don't get me wrong, we're hopeful, and we're faithful, but to say that we aren't EVER fearful would be a total lie.    Do we know our God has his hand on us? yes.  Do we know he has plans for our family? Yes.  Do we know what that plan is? No.  And that's the scary thing.  God uses all situations for his glory, even ones that don't turn out the way WE want, and yes he brings good from all suffering, but we're only human, and sometimes the fear is still there.  But it's not there without prayerful faith.     It seems as if in just a short time, everything has changed for us, and in a sense, it has.  I'm sure in 6 months, so much more will have changed, and will continue to change for years to come. We may not ever feel this way again about this situation, but maybe someone else will, and maybe they'll need the reminder that it's ok to not have all the answers or the "right" attitude about it all the time.  No matter what happens, we'll look back on these first few weeks with bittersweet memories.  Memories that we overcame the situation dealt to us, that we came our better, stronger, and more compassionate.