While yesterday seemed to be "fun" and light, this almost seems like something I really don't want to write about, but what kind of "writer" only talks about the good, the fun and the silly (well I wish the answer was ME! but unfortunately I am gonna "play by the rules on this one") I guess most importantly I want my kid(s) to know that regardless of my fears, I hope that they see that I live my life in spite of fear. I hope to never let fear control me, or bring me down. Fear is probably the ugliest four letter word in my blog. (Hey! I try to keep it tactful around here). So here are my three fears.
1. Failing
2. Losing my Loved Ones
3. Disappointing People
I guess these are probably pretty common fears. Maybe not in this order, but I don't think that these are pretty normal fears for mom's, dads, adults. and just the entire human race to some extent share these fears with me… so I guess let's break it down. How did these become my fears….
Failure- Reading that word just makes me shudder. My entire life I have felt the need to strive to be the Best mediocrity was NOT acceptable…I have always felt that I had something to prove. I have always taken way too much stock into other people's opinions of me. I admit it. The minute I found out I was pregnant (with Jaxon) was exciting and amazing, but not two seconds after I found out my mind started racing to all the ways I could fail as a parent…as a mother…as a Nursing Student (yes, my sweet child, I selfishly thought that because I was pregnant with you, that I would fail out of Nursing School and would "fail" as an all around person at that point) and devastation set in. How was I, this clueless 22 year old "girl" supposed to raise a child. How was I supposed to maintain being a good wife, and a good student and how was I going to teach a little man to be respectful, god-fearing, and responsible. I cried and cried to Jay… I felt like I was just opening the door to failure at that point. Luckily, that fear of failure has pushed me to work harder, to strive more, and to look for help more often. Yes! I'm telling you that ASKING FOR HELP despite your pride, is a great way to avoid failing, and let me tell you another secret… failure is not determined by not doing something right, or getting a bad grade, or "not passing" a class, or a semester or whatever… it's not being cut from the team, or not being the top of your class, or making a mistake… failure is refusing to try, giving up on something you're passionate about, and not working hard for what you want. There are going to be things you can't obtain in life, but that does not make you a failure. I hope that I never fail you my sweet baby, truth is, I may make mistakes (because I am human, and a far-from-perfect one at that) but I will not ever give up on you. I will fall on my face a million times before I call myself a failure as your mother.
Losing my Loved Ones- Like I mentioned, I don't think that its uncommon for people to fear losing their loved ones. It's terrifying, mind crippling, and heartbreaking (and unfortunately my child, you too will lose someone you love.) I wish that there was a way that we would never have to be separated from the people we love. But the truth is, that at some point in our lives, our earthly journey ends, and our eternal one begins… while you may lose that loved one here on Earth, I hope you learn to rejoice in the opportunity to meet with them again. Don't ever let the fear of loss keep you from falling in love, don't let it build up walls in your heart, or make you bitter, angry or mean. Live every moment for what it is, build wonderful priceless and unforgettable memories with the people that you love so that they are never really lost. They may not be here in flesh, but I promise you, if you truly love someone, they will always be in your heart.
Disappointing People- Kid(s), I am writing this at the prime age of 24 years old… and I can tell you right now, that I have disappointed SO many people in my life…. one I can think of in particular is your Papa (my Dad) he is the one person in this world that no matter how old I am, I hope that I don't disappoint him…but truth is, I'm human. But, you know what… disappointing him never made him love me less, and it never made him not believe in me…and I hope that you will also know that even if something you do disappoints me (like reaching the marker out of the junk drawer this morning and coloring on my couch
I guess I can't tell you why these are my fears anymore than I have, or how they become fears except for that's who I am…I am a little bit of a people pleaser, and I deeply care what other people think of me (I hope you inherit thick skin from your dad and learn to be unaffected by other people's opinions, but that you still have enough sense to be tactful, respectable and hardworking) I take a lot of pride in my accomplishments and in myself (unfortunately that is also a downfall of mine) but I know that God has provided me with these tasks so that he can be glorified… I know that right now…your fears are the dark, too many kisses from the puppies, and mommy and daddy having to leave you with a sitter…and I wish that you could stay little forever so that your fears were never any bigger than that, but you have to grow up. When you do, I hope that you feel that you can always talk to me about your fears, and we can battle them together. I love you, and I hope that I teach you that there is nothing to fear, but fear it's self….
Until Next Time,
Peace, Love and Overcoming Fears.
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