With only 11 weeks left until I'm officially the mother to a little girl, it's safe to say that my hormones are running rampant on my life. I spend every single day wanting to soak up every drop of my boys moments, while simultaneously wishing they would just finally give me a break and catch some sleep. The moment they're asleep, I'm overcome with tears full of joy, sadness, guilt, longing for their noises, and everything in between. Every night about the time they fall asleep, I usually catch Maggie moving like a mad woman. I'm sure she moves through out the day, but its in those quiet moments that I get to focus on her for just a little bit, and the emotions all come flooding back. I couldn't be a more blessed wife or mother, and to be 100% honest, I'm completely undeserving. I yell at my boys too often, I take Jay for granted WAY more than I should, I'm short on patience, super distracted, and I keep myself SO busy that I can't seem to give them enough of me at the end of the day. But, for some unknown reason, God has blessed me with EXACTLY what I have always longed for. A family, that despite our shortcomings loves each other non-stop. As the days and weeks of this pregnancy march on, there are times when I wonder what my relationship will be like as my kids age. Will they also know that I love them? Will they question if I love them enough? Will they look back and remember the nights I told them we wouldn't snuggle and watch movies, only to give in because all I want is to hold them? Will they remember that even though it was hard, I always left my door open for them to crawl into my bed at any given point in the night? Will they remember that I kissed them and prayed for and with them ever night after we read books before our movies? Will they think back to the song I've sang for them since the day they were born and remember how overtime I sang it I would tear up. This "mom" thing is hard. Super hard, especially when you come from a family that more often than not, was filled with anguish, and heartbreak, and longing for some normalcy. So many of the scars of my past haunt me through this parenting journey. I wonder if I'm enough, if I'm doing it right, if my kids are going to grow up and resent me for not being a good enough parent, and day after day I feel broken, and yet so wonderfully held together by my love for these tiny blessings and their pure and loving hearts.
Knowing that I'm having a daughter has changed me in a way that I don't even think I can pinpoint. When people ask me if I'm excited, I get a twinge of anxiety, and sadness, because as much as I am excited, I'm terrified. I also feel guilty that it feels as if people assume my boys weren't enough. I've said it a million times and I'll say it a million more, I never knew I wanted a daughter, I never longed for pony tails, and tutu's. It was a desire hidden so far in my heart that I had NO clue it even existed, but God knew better than me once again. I pray everyday I do right by all three of my kids, but I pray differently for Maggie, I pray that I teach her to be loving and strong, to survive in a world that so often makes it hard for a woman to succeed. I pray to lead her in grace and understanding and to be able to teach her that her worth is not found in anyone but herself. My boys, I feel like they know that, or that teaching them that is so much more concrete. But with girls, I feel as if the journey is totally different. I"ve written letters to all three of my children through my blog during each one of my pregnancies. For Jaxon, it was the end of my "nesting" and the start of my labor, Kasen, it was an attempt at preserving some "us" time in the midst of pure chaos, but with Maggie, the letter has been written over and over in my head. I've wanted to tell her a million things that are the insiders scoop to being a girl in this crazy world. Some of it light, other parts dark and real, but all of it is important. So tonight, as I get a few minutes to myself while my sweet boys are snuggled up asleep I figured I'd finally let some of the truth flow. Hopefully it'll put these hormones in check for a few days, or at least make it bearable for me to function without crying as I walk into drop the boys off for school every other morning.
My Dearest Magnolia,
Sometimes it seems as if your due date is so far away, and other days, the anxierty of you being here creeps up on me like a shadow. To say that I'm excited is an understatement, to say that I am scared is an even bigger understatement. You will be my one and only girl, my one shot at teaching another tender hearted little lady about how to be the best you can be when it comes to being human. I hope you're a far better person than me. I hope that for your brothers too, but I pray everyday that you're more loving, more kind, more patient, and more beautiful than me. I pray that you know how to walk away form people and things that hurt you. I hope you know how to find your worth in your own soul, and not the words and actions of someone else. I hope you never leave yourself in unsafe and vulnerable positions, but I hope you give true love the fighting chance it deserves. I hope you follow your gut when it comes to making friends. That you don't fight for relationships that aren't building you up and making you a better person. I hope you realize, long before you're 22 that not all of your "friends" have your best interests at heart. I hope you never let jealousy ruin your friendships. That you never take for granted your gifts and your journey. I hope you never compare yourself to another girl on this planet. That you never wonder if you're as pretty as someone else, or as smart, or if you're as loved. I hope you never have to bypass your morals or beliefs to fit in. I hope you never expect that from anyone else, either. I hope you never feel like you're not good enough. I hope you never treat anyone like they're "less than" you. I hope you're open-minded and open-hearted and realize that just because someone looks differently, or believes differently, or is different in any way, shape or form doesn't mean they don't deserve grace, understanding, and respect.
I hope everyday sweet girl that you find more comfort in your sweet and loving Daddy, and in your heavenly father than you do any man on this planet. I hope you never have to search for the approval of a man that isn't good enough for you. I pray you have more respect for yourself, than any other human being on this planet. You set the standard of the respect you'll receive, sweet girl. I hope your brothers will be your best friends, and that the three of you will never feel like you're treated differently. I hope you all three realize that we love you all with that same amount of our bursting hearts, but we love you in ways that cater to your own personalities. I hope you relish the time with your grandparents, sweet girl, because I know, all too well, that the years are so short but the memories seem to not be enough when the time comes to say goodbye. I hope you learn to take care of yourself and find pride in your independence, while still being graceful enough to accept help when its offered. Be grateful when that help is given. Be loving and respectful to your future spouse, promise me, you won't try to run off the most wonderful man in your life, like I do all the time. I hope that someday, when you're older, you meet and marry a man so much like your Daddy, someone that doesn't leave no matter how far you push him. I hope you won't push like me, Maggie. I hope that you give, and accept love without reservations or fear. I hope you have the most wide open heart, with just enough strength to know that love shouldn't hurt. I pray that IF you ever have your heart broken, you'll find solace in letting me brush through your hair while you cry in my lap and we watch sad girl movies until we can't cry anymore. I pray you find a great group of friends, a tribe, and I hope those friendships last you a lifetime. I pray that when some of those friendships end for reasons beyond your control, that you don't blame yourself, and that the grieving is short and thorough. I pray you never feel like you can't be honest. I pray that you always feel like you can be yourself. Please don't let anyone ever tell you that you're "too much" or "too loud" or "too passionate" or "too intimidating. Don't let anyone put out your fire for life, Maggie. Don't ever let anyone dim your shine. Hold fast to the promises of the future God has planned for you, and always be your big brothers' biggest fan. Don't wish away your childhood, sweet girl. Relish every moment you live under this roof with this crazy family. Don't let anyone tell you that your life choices are wrong. Whether you grow up to be a doctor, and don't marry until you're 40 (or even at all) or if you're 22, in college, broke, marrying the cute older boy you met when you were 13, just seek God's will for your life and be confident in your choices. Don't be afraid to ask questions, to admit your wrongs, or to respectfully question the way things have always been. Find your voice, and use it. Don't ever be shut out. Be beautiful, sweet daughter, on the inside before anything else, because beauty all radiate from your sweet soul and will captivate people for much longer than your outward appearance ever will. Above all else, Maggie, know that I love you, and that I'm always in your corner, that I will fight for you until you can fight for yourself. Know your Daddy loves you more than you could ever imagine, and that his heart longed for you for years before you were even a tiny little bean. Your brothers think you're pretty special, too. They have loved you from the very moment we knew you would be a part of our family. They're super special little guys and I know you'll always appreciate their most precious, loving hearts. Know I only want the best for you, Magnolia, and not by monetary standards, but in all the things money can't buy. I can't wait to see your sweet face and hold you in our arms. I love you my sweet bean,
Love Always,
Mom
